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    Friday, September 05, 2008

    To Keilly.

    a note : this may turn out to be an overly emo post. i apologize in advance.

    I went for the wake yesterday. the first thing i saw was, well, Keilly, swollen-eyed and hiccupping from sobbing. i ran and hugged her. i never wished to see her in that way. when i hugged her, it was as if i was trying to absorb her grief, her sorrow. obviously, i could not. i don't think anyone can say "i know how you feel" except for those who truly do.
    i couldn't look at keilly alot. everytime someone came to give her a hug and console her, i had to look away because she would be in a fresh waves of choking tears and i just knew that if i looked at her i would start to.

    and tengku had warned me earlier when i first came -hisses- "don't cry!!"
    so yes. i tried. i teared up many times, but i did my best not to show it too much.
    we tried to cheer keilly up as best we could. we made small lame jokes and laughed nervously. she tried telling us about her father, but couldn't.
    i don't blame her.
    anyway. when you go for a funeral, the first thing you say to the aggrieved is "i'm sorry" followed by a string of words of comfort, right? i couldn't do it. i hugged keilly, i patted her back, but i couldn't say anything. the words just got stuck in my throat, blocked by that huge lump threatening to make me choke in sobs. i came home feeling very guilty.
    -conscience berating- why didn't you say anything?????? -smacksmacksmack-

    so i went to the funeral today. i tried calling debbie a COUNTLESS number of times (=.=) but she didn't answer so i ended up sitting in the back of the room by meself.
    the whole ceremony was okay i suppose. then the eulogy started.
    the woman who went up was, i guess, keilly's father's good friend. when she spoke about him, you could tell that she knew him well. she even made a joke and said "andrew would be laughing right now."
    (which made me kinda wonder a pretty stupid wondering subject : why do people wear such dull colours for a funeral? more on that thought later.)
    anyway. then the friends got to say their last goodbyes to him and offer their condolences to the family.
    it was when the family said their last goodbyes that truly broke my heart.

    when keilly huddled around the coffin (a beautiful coffin it was.), i could see her sadness just emanating from her very person. her face crumpled upon seeing her father's behind the glass and so did mine. i just.. felt for her. yes, i know that i will never, ever be able to tell her "i know how you feel".
    my father too will die one day, but i will not have had to feel the sadness of losing him at this young an age. instead, keilly will be the one to come to me and pat me on the back and say "i know how you feel."

    i cried.

    this is for keilly.
    i know how much you loved your father. it was so evident, how much he loved you too. when these thing happen, people always say things like "don't worry" and "you will heal" and "things will go back to normal". but no one will ever be able to answer your questions of how? how will things go back to normal? they won't. life will never be as you knew it again.
    but know that you have people around you who care for you and who love you. i hope that this will not make you change too much.
    your father loves you for the person you are when he was breathing. even if he is not here for you in body, he will always live in you, and you will know it. we will always be here to support you, whenever you need it, and even when you don't want it. (yes, yes, we will be firm, supportive and close to you - just like your bra! XD)

    we love you keilly, and i hope that you will find hope again.
    love, kate.
    P.S. yes yes, you own me. :P

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